Screenshot of article featured at History Channel. Link to article is provided in this post.
Click above to read the entire post

This is a great read. Consider this when you refuse to do work but then complain when the work is outsourced or offshored. This is sadly the history of the United States…get free or cheap labor elsewhere when your current labor force says “heck no” or “I can’t”, then blame the outsourced labor force for destroying local labor.

Read more at the History Channel

Did you read my Part 1 post yesterday? If not, read it before diving into this one, so you don’t get confused and lost.

If you read yesterday’s post, let’s get back to my time travel to the early 1800s. And let me answer you before you ask. Yes, I’m also trying to track the other black folks that were listed as the enslaved property of my 5x great grandparents.

I do know that some Black slaveholders would buy enslaved people to free them from white owners, and provide them safety and security. But I also know that some Black folks owned other Black folks and saw it as pure economics. I haven’t located enough of the records to ascertain which “folk” my great grandfather was. When he passed in 1832, he left his wife almost 700 acres of land, hundreds of cattle, hogs, horses, and three enslaved people (two men and a woman).

In 1840, the census shows my grandmother and everyone (over 30 children and adults) residing with her on her property as Free Colored Persons. In 1850 it shows her owning three slaves. I assume these are the same three listed in my grandfather’s estate. I’m going to find out those details. I can guarantee you, once I do find that information I will be sure to update you.

Some people shy away from that period of time. I run towards it and in a positive way. It’s history; their story, my story, and I’m not ashamed of it or angered by it—well, let me clarify that last point. I am extremely angry, disgusted, and dismayed by what I’ve learned about the enslavement and treatment of Africans and African Americans, from the moment we were snatched up as property and dehumanized, to how the US (and other countries) have chosen to not reconcile the wrongs and heal the wounds inflicted upon us, then and since.

Let’s be crystal clear about that.

But, I will not allow my feelings of hurt and disappointment change my heart. What was, has, and still being done to us (and dismissed through rational-lies) hurts my heart. Yes, for those of you who are quick to yell “What about what Blacks have done to each other” as though Black people are naive, dumb, incapable of distinguishing and properly addressing our grievances— yes, my heart hurts for the pain that Black people cause each other. And let me double back real quick, the defense of “We did but y’all did some of it too” is plain ignorant and cowardly. It’s an attempt to reduce responsibility and accountability. Guess what? That too hurts my heart.

I’m also hurt by the pain that religious people, Christians and the like, have caused, pimping God(s) in the process. No one’s God(s) would want people to be mistreated as we have witnessed before and since the 1600s. There’s not one god you’re praying to that condones the nonsense of this world. Let’s get in agreement with that.

All of the damaging energy that humankind uses against its own (and other species) is disturbing to my heart. But it will not control it. I will not allow myself to become the very energy that chose and chooses evil. I loathe that energy but I will not hate the people who choose that energy. That energy wants me to hate, to become that which I hate. I rebuke that. My heart and mind must work together, to be controlled by me, not the world.

Now that we’re clear about that, let’s get back to the story….

My grandparents both died before they could hear the battle cries of war and later, freedom. My grandfather passed away in 1832, when Andrew Jackson was President, and Harriet Tubman was still enslaved in Maryland. She didn’t escape (the first time) until 1849. Frederick Douglass escaped to the North in September 1838 (changing his last name from Bailey to Douglass) and hadn’t written his first book until 1845. So these two legends rose up after my grandfather had long passed.

When my grandmother passed away in 1858, James Buchanan was President, it was the year Harriet Tubman met John Brown, and one year later helped him with his raid on Harper’s Ferry. Two years later Abraham Lincoln would become President. The civil war was from 1861 to 1865, with the emancipation proclamation issued in 1863. My grandparents children and grandchildren grew up and lived through those periods. But none of them experienced it as the property of someone else. That had to weigh heavily on them.

One day I will share with you my take on ole’ Jim Bowie, the American hero, who fought alongside Davey Crockett and others. I will share how I’ve traced my Scottish Bowie’s (his part of our family) to North Carolina, up to Maryland (where the first Bowie’s arrived) and then all the way back to the town in Scotland where the patriarch, John Bowie Sr. lived before coming to the colonies around 1705. I will also share how I’m connecting to my Scottish roots. I know my history, my ethnic DNA doesn’t lie. I’ve got Scotland in my bones. Just as I have Ireland, England, Wales, Germany, and other European nations woven inside of me.

But I won’t share today.

Today is about me smiling, visualizing that huge chunk of a moment when the shackles of slavery were removed off a branch of my super huge family tree.

I wonder what my 5x grandparents’ prayers were like leading up to and immediately after those days; I wonder how they prayed knowing themselves to be free but knowing others near and far were still being bought, sold, and traded. I wonder their thoughts about these other people never being able to see the lands they came from or that their parents and grandparents came from. I wonder if my grandparents ever thought about the reality that they would never know their native language, culture, and customs—and neither would millions of other enslaved and free Black people.

Imagine reconciling that in your mind. I wonder what their dreams showed them. I wonder if they imagined me, their future, far-removed from their time, and what they hoped for my generation. I benefit today from all that they sacrificed, lost, and labored. I hope they are proud of my journey and the ways I honor them and their legacy.

Okay, so you read my answer. I gave you two days worth of immersed historical dreaming, fact-sharing, and truth-speaking. Now’s your turn. If you could witness a time in history when would it be? Share the details in the comments section below.

~Natasha

Copyright © Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

Ooh this is something that I’ve pondered before, and most of us remember this exercise from elementary school. So, I will take a spin with it again. The first thing that comes to mind happens to be my 5x great grandparents on my mom’s side, and more specifically, her father’s family line (on his maternal side). My 5x great grandfather is listed in historical documents as an FMC, Free Man of Color. He was born when George Washington was President and Abraham Lincoln wasn’t even alive yet.

The family he was born and raised into were the Bowie’s—of the infamous James “Jim” Bowie (Alamo legend) that everyone swears has a story about his Bowie knife that his brother designed and had made for him. I’m still researching the particulars but somehow, my great grandfather was a free man, owning his own plantation (yep, and slaves) and even conducting business with Jim and his siblings, as well as other white men.

If I could be a fly on a wall…

But it’s not just that moment in time, it’s also the moment where my 5X great grandfather made it possible that his wife, who had been purchased by the Bowie’s (after being bought and sold 5 times by other owners), was freed. Yes, in 1818 he bought her from the Bowie’s and in 1830 he has his own plantation where they raise their 8 children. I saw the court document where all of their children were free. They never knew a day, enslaved, like their parents and grandparents. This was before the emancipation proclamation. This was before the Civil War.

That had to be empowering yet terrifying.

If I could stand in that moment and watch the weight of years being lifted off of my 5x great grandmother, hearing that for the first time since being born, she was no longer someone’s property, that no more would she be bought and sold, raped, and possibly bred like cattle. If I could witness the drafting and signing of the documents making it possible for our branch of the Bowie tree to be freed from one of the ugliest histories this country and the world has ever seen and experienced, oh how my eyes would fill with tears of joy, and I too would breathe a sigh of relief.

I’m still researching my grandfather’s FMC status and at what point he was freed by either the Bowie’s or through the British overhaul when they outlawed slavery in all of their territories, forcing slaveholders in the Caribbean to declare each enslaved person, their country of origin, and the name of the mother (of the enslaved person) if known.

There is an enslaved person with my grandfather’s name, same age and approximate date of birth, listed on an 1817 British registry. Which means he had been in the colonies (specifically, Louisiana) and then at some point taken to the Caribbean, and then later by decree legally freed and returned to Louisiana.

This could be his storyline. I’m still digging. If he and the man on the British registry are one in the same, that too is another event that I would relish witnessing. Seeing his face when the reality of his new life settled in his mind. When he returned to Louisiana and walked on the plantation as a FMC, wowsers, the shift it would’ve caused.

I’m still very much curious about this tight knit relationship with the white Bowie’s, I mean, I know they share the same blood (either Jim’s dad or uncle was the father of my grandfather), but I mean, jeesh, there was a closeness so intimate that even free, my grandfather is listed as a resident on his father (or uncle’s) land for 13 years (as a free man), and he even transacted business deals with them, even sued one of the Bowie brothers, and used his residence for a hearing when the state of Louisiana was looking at removing one of the Bowie brothers from public office. One the Bowie’s even owed him money, and had a debt repayment document notarized in 1824 (6 years before my grandfather even owned his own land). Clearly, he was acknowledged as kin, but how do you reconcile the years they had him enslaved?

My grandfather had influence and wealth…in the early 1800s! A black man. In the south. The sitting President was James Monroe, the last President from the Founding Fathers. By then, my grandfather had lived through 6 Presidencies.

I’m in awe. Let’s explore more tomorrow!

~Natasha

Copyright © Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

Did you happen to hear Episode 69 of the Don’t Call It Small… Business podcast?

We shared business news about Apple, Etsy, and Kmart, and began to ponder the lessons we can learn from all three. We shared a few business events happening around the world, and shouted out a few businesses that we think are pretty cool that you should consider supporting.

You can listen to this episode and any past episodes at ForemanLLC.com/podcast and that’s also where you can share show suggestions, etc.

Thank you for your continued support!

Love,

Natasha

Copyright 2022. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

Last week, on Episode 68 of the Don’t Call It Small… Business podcast, I dedicated a significant amount of time discussing the trap that we fall into when we negatively compare ourselves to others, to our past, and to the future (as seen through our dreams). You can listen to the episode here (the audio player is below) and I hope you will share your thoughts and opinions. You can also listen to past episodes at ForemanLLC.com/podcast

If you have any ideas for future topics and episodes, please let us know by sharing in the comments section below or through our site. Thank you!

Listen to Episode 68

Love,

Natasha

Copyright 2022. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

If you follow my Breaking Bread With Natasha blog (BBWN) then you have probably already read my announcement. Or maybe not. I made one announcement on BBWN last Friday that hopefully you have discovered; my BBWN Audio messages have been transferred to AudioMack. You can read all about that here.

Today’s announcement is a much-awaited one, an update on the third and final set of my Seek Him book series. If you’re new to my blogs then you may not know about my books. If you have been reading my posts for awhile then you should already know, and hopefully you have already purchased and began reading the books.

Our first set tested your spiritual comfort zone. The second set encouraged you to go beyond your spiritual comfort zone. The third set lovingly says “don’t turn back” to that comfort zone; don’t turn back to your past and dwell on what once was.

The third set will be released this Spring 2022!

Let me say now, you will want to ensure that you have the entire set. The lead book and workbook.

I also encourage you to purchase the first two sets, for yourself and for loved ones. Right now, Amazon is running a sale, so jump on them while you can. They’re also available through Bookshop.orgBN.com (Barnes & Noble), Walmart, and other major retailers. 

I really like Bookshop.org because they support local bookstores; you know, the ones that may or may not still be located in your neighborhood? Yeah, those. In our want-it-next-day culture, let’s not forget to appreciate our local bookstores. If you don’t know of any, no worries, you can search on Bookshop or just opt to allow proceeds of your purchase to be distributed amongst the thousands of bookstores that Bookshop supports. 

If you happen to be a member of Goodreads, please follow me there. I’m still navigating that space and looking forward to connecting with other book worms. 

Once my third volume set has been signed off and a print date and presale date is confirmed, I will make that announcement. Hopefully, I will be able to share here before it’s shared on my publisher’s blog and main site.

When I’ve been given the green light to share some sneak peeks of it, I will rush this way and do just that! I look forward to sharing this labor of love with all of you. It has blessed me and I know it will continue to bless me. I hope it blesses you too!

Love,

Natasha

Copyright 2022. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

A few weeks ago I was surfing through memes, images, quotes, and more—looking for some fun and interesting content for some of the classes that I teach, and I ran across one that caught my attention. I said that at some point I would ask myself the question “If someone gifted me a free trip anywhere, I would go to ______“.

So, today’s the day. I’ve never been asked “Where do you want to go?” and then I get to go there. I’ve also never had someone say, “Here’s a free trip to anywhere in the world, have fun!” Let’s see what first comes to mind, because that’s what I’m going to type.

…………

…………

…………

………….

Why did I really just type all of those lines when you can already see my answer? Fake suspense 🙂

Do you know which island this is?

Bora Bora

I’ve been wanting to vacation there for years but I’ve never visited. About 10 years ago I thought there was a chance but that was a big nope.

Now let’s see who ends up snapping pics and posting videos, chilling out on this beautiful island within the next few months. Be sure to shout me out while drinking something fruity! Okay that was a little Friday randomness about yours truly. What about you?

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Love,

Natasha

Earlier this morning I welcomed droplets of rain, and I smiled at how the sun peered through the clouds, like it was playing the game peek-a-boo. I walked around listening to the birds and the sounds of nature, and embraced the blessings. I started to reflect upon my favorite rainy day activities and had to admit that it truly depends on the intensity of the downpour, and if it lasts all day.

I love to open the windows and listen and watch the rain pattering, flicking, and flowing. If I’m driving and it’s possible to do so, I will test it and try to crack the windows. I feel like a little kid when I do this.

When bearable I enjoy walking around and breathing in the air, that seems cleansed of the smog and muck of our regular days. When possible, I like to go hiking. It’s amazing to see the trees and foliage gleaming from the rain and sun, and when you catch glimpses of rainbows here and there. I take in all of the energy and let it marinate within me. There’s nothing like being in nature, deep inside, disconnected from the hustle and bustle of the matrix we call the world.

Rushing River Provincial Park, Fall 2019
Lower Rapids Trail
Photographer: Laura Myers

When the weather is acting up then I like to get as much work done, in my pajamas of course, so that I can disconnect and grab a blanket or throw, snacks, and tune in to a TV series or movie. If it’s during the weekend I can commit to a movie marathon or binge the mess out of one of my shows. I also like getting lost in my favorite puzzles like Sudoku and other mind-boggling ones. I even find myself gravitating to my crochet bag and testing my creativity, focus, and care to design something that I could one day use or gift to a loved one. Sometimes it looks like that goal can be achieved and sometimes it looks like I closed my arms and crossed my hands, and when I look down I’m just looking at a crocheted mess. All I can do is laugh. I embrace the creation. It’s not about making a masterpiece. It’s just about being present and in peace.

Rainy days are also the perfect time to light candles, play music, moan over the yumminess of baked goods (like chocolate cake, fudge, or cookies), and indulge in a pamper day—a facial, mani pedi, massage, scalp treatment, or soak for at least an hour in a tub filled with bubbles and essential oils.

What do you like to do on rainy days?

~Natasha

Copyright 2022. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

I’m sitting here and really reflecting on and pondering the concept of vulnerability and I have to give credit to Brene’ Brown for all of her research and the contributions that she has made to unpack the concept of vulnerability.

Just like her I have struggled and still struggle with being vulnerable because of what it entails and what it requires of me, and that’s a scary concept and picture to wrap my mind around. The control gremlin inside of my brain tells me that it’s too big of a risk and that I need to put up these walls and barriers.

But the healthy part of my brain understands that vulnerability is vital to my success, to thriving and growing, and being what I was designed to be. Vulnerability allows me to give and share, and receive more than I could ever imagine, if only I just free myself from the shackles that I keep lugging around.

Brene’ Brown shared an example in one of her books that a person in the military shared with her—that our soldiers risk their lives for each other and it’s only possible because they are allowing themselves to be vulnerable. You’re putting your life in someone else’s hands, that is vulnerability. It makes me think of Extreme Ownership, the book, by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin. It’s a great book by the way. Much of what Willink and Babin share is based on vulnerability and understanding that by embracing it there was greater trust formed during combat, plans were executed effectively, and a bond was formed with fellow soldiers. They could rely upon and lean on each other because they opened and revealed a part of themselves, and in so doing that revelation was entrusted and protected by those they shared this intimacy with.

In the various examples shared, in all of these books that I am reflecting upon right now is a willingness and comfort with being vulnerable, and being okay with it. Not seeing it as a negative but actually a positive. But what is interesting is that so many of us see vulnerability as a weakness and it is usually the first thing that is pushed back upon when mentioned, especially in environments that shy away from topics of the heart and expression of feelings. But when you actually dissect vulnerability and break it down you realize that it is a positive element of our life, and our lack of vulnerability is what actually blocks us from great growth and development, from connecting deeply with others, from having greater intimacy and authenticity.

Some people confuse over-sharing with vulnerability. Sharing all of the intimate details of your personal life is not vulnerability. It’s just over-sharing. You’re just being an attention hog. Telling your friends about your romantic encounters is not vulnerability, it’s just lack of tact and respect for those individuals you were romping around with.

Vulnerability is being able to identify and accept the truth about yourself, sharing this truth with others, with an understanding that you risk that information being used against you— possibly, and that’s okay.

I guess in a way, vulnerability is understanding the concept of fear as information and processing it, without holding onto it and making it more than it is. Vulnerability would take the power away from fear. Vulnerability admits there’s fear there and admits that there’s hesitancy to make a decision. Courage can step in, answering vulnerability’s call, and face down the fear.

So being honest about your current state of affairs, maybe your mindset and what you’re going through emotionally and possibly physically or psychologically, is vulnerability with an intended purpose. If that makes sense?

I don’t have to share the details of any relationships that I’ve been in but I can share that I’m still trying to heal from those relationships—that is my vulnerability and my willingness to connect heart to heart with other people. I don’t and I won’t share details about my divorce but I can be vulnerable enough to say how gut wrenching it was for me because I never married with the thought of divorce in my mind. See, the details don’t really matter.

I don’t have to share details to share my heart and I understand that it requires vulnerability to share one’s heart. I can share that I’ve struggled with my business and in my career, and sometimes I question “What in the world am I doing and why?”, and I don’t need to go into the specific details about my finances or frustration with contracts and people who don’t truly value me— even though they need the services that I provide. I don’t need to go into specifics when sharing that I’ve struggled financially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You can be receptive to the essence of what I’m saying without feeling the need to grab a soda and popcorn, kick up your feet and wait to be entertained by my Lifetime movie sob story.

Vulnerability frees us to admit when we don’t know or understand something. It frees us to find people to help us in areas where we need it, at times when we need it. It frees us from the bondage of pride that will destroy us if we give it power and allow it to do so. Vulnerability opens a doorway where we can share what’s going on in real time and in the ways in which we are addressing issues, utilizing tools, learning lessons—rather than waiting until we conquered whatever mountain we were facing—and then victoriously celebrating and sharing with everyone all of the ways in which we did so.

Vulnerability says share it while you’re going through it.

It’s great, awesome, noble, and every reason to celebrate, when you can say that you wiped out your debt, or rebounded from any type of hardship, and then can share with other people how you did it so that they can learn from your lessons, and utilize the tools that you used. That is vulnerability.

What’s also a state of vulnerability is if you share while you’re in the trenches, sharing what you’re going through and what steps you’re taking to rectify it, what lessons you’re learning right now, and asking for guidance and counsel in the midst of the storm. You don’t have to share how deep in debt you are to be vulnerable. You don’t have to show people how and where you’re living in your state of homelessness. You don’t have to boo hoo and rant about how you got there and play the blame game, or internalize things in shame. It’s just sharing that you’re in this valley and understanding that this too is okay. It’s a lesson not a death sentence. It’s a humanizing experience. One that could possibly save someone else’s life.

How many people commit suicide because they don’t see another way out, or another solution to the overwhelming problems that suffocate them? Think of the countless people who steal and rob to put food on the table, provide for their family, without a thought or care about who it negatively impacts, because they are too overwhelmed by the lack they are experiencing. They see little to no other options. Yes, we can say that’s just an excuse not a reason, but heck we all make reckless decisions based on the excuses we allow to play on repeat in our minds. Some of us just fear the consequences more than others.

Maybe the people in both examples never learned how to be vulnerable enough to share what they’re going through, to ask for help, and to position themselves around positive people who could help, protect, and uplift them. Maybe.

We’re so busy pretending and faking it til we make it, that we oftentimes feel like the only time we should speak of our adversity is after we’ve overcome it and now we’re kicking it on the other side, sipping sweet drinks and eating guac and chips, and we want others to celebrate what we accomplished. What we don’t realize, don’t consider is that we never know who we can be helping while we are also climbing out of that trench, pit, valley.

For those of you who believe in God, let me ask you this question…

Are we praising God only after we’re saved or are we praising Him while we’re being clobbered? Imagine sharing your unfolding testimony during the storm, afraid but confident that you’re going to see the other side, hopeful that you will see that rainbow and feel that warm sunshine after the storm ends. Imagine how that message, testimony, vulnerable declaration could possibly help someone else, save someone, grab ahold of their heart and stop them from making a life-ending decision.

What if we could’ve made better decisions had someone else been vulnerable enough to share their valley experience and we learned from taking steps right along or right behind them.

It’s like the YouTube videos where people have an issue and they start troubleshooting and seeing if they can fix it, and you’re watching them blunder and try again, until either they get it or they say they will try a different approach and ask you to check out their next video. And if the first one was intriguing you hurry and click on the next video and you find yourself drawn into their troubleshooting experience until they get it right or give up, or you give up. But do you see what I’m saying? It’s like we have a tendency to want to see and feed off of success stories and we only like the hard knock life stories that resulted in success, and that’s what we gravitate to versus looking for stories where people are trying to figure it out and we’re learning from them as their learning these lessons.

People get frustrated with all of the famous business minds that can’t recall step-by-step how they made it. And that’s because they wrote their books after they made it. Imagine if they documented their lives while they were going through their uphill battle. Imagine had they kept a blog or a journal and wrote about the failures and mistakes, blunders, rejections and then they shared it either in real time or shared it later once they were a success story, and they could say “Here’s excerpts from my journals for the past X number of years”. But so many people don’t do that or if they do have journals they are too fearful to be vulnerable enough to share excerpts from those journals for you to be able to peer into their mind and heart at that point in their life.

It’s hard to believe that certain people who admit to having a journal, now, didn’t seem to have one back then to reflect upon and share what was going on in their life. I think some people just don’t want to share. And guess what? It’s their right and their life, and they can choose to share what they want to share, or not. Just because we would like to know something doesn’t mean we are entitled to the information. I was just pondering the odds of them not having a journal 10, 20, 30, 50 years ago when they were struggling. Heck, but honestly, would most of us really want to go back and read all of our journals to then extract content that could be relevant and helpful to potential readers, who may or may not purchase our books? I highly doubt it. Some of us who could potentially see the value of it might, but I think the majority of us would not.

That is in a lot of ways what the reality TV shows of the late 1990s initially hooked us with. We got to watch peoples lives unfolding and adjusting and we could relate in so many ways. Then it became the nonsense that has evolved to the absolute trash that so many people seem to be entertained by today. I don’t get it because it’s not authentic, truth, real, or vulnerable. It’s just over sharing and pretending, telling lies, playing games, and acting a fool for a paycheck. Viewers are so entertained by the lies that now they don’t know what’s truth. Everywhere we turn folks are telling lies—online, in schools, businesses, government and politics, houses of worship, magazines, newspapers, press conferences. We’re being told and shown what other folks think we want to hear and see.

Can you decipher the truth?

When I think of reality tv personalities and the lies they tell and buffoonery they display, maybe they do it because their authentic selves aren’t dramatic enough to generate higher ratings. But then again, why do we need drama to be intrigued by someone’s story? I was asked to take part in a docuseries of sorts that would share with the world my life from ages 20 to 30, navigating the toxic world and toxic relationships interwoven in the music industry. Two producers who interviewed me said that my personality and how I conducted myself wasn’t as dramatic as the other women involved in the project, and like other women in “reality tv”, and they would have to figure out how to pitch me. I told them I wouldn’t act or put on a show, I wouldn’t be anyone or anything but my authentic self and if that wasn’t good enough then I wasn’t meant to be a part of that project.

Lawd, when the sizzle reel was sent to me I almost fell out of my seat. I watched the video several times and I just kept shaking my head and saying, “No”. There was no way in, on, or around the world that I could take part in this overly-dramatized concoction that was being whipped up to serve as entertainment. I respectfully withdrew my interest and said that I would share my story in another way, because I’m here to help not harm, uplift not tear down, bring light not darkness, clarity not confusion. My story, my truth, will not be pimped or poisoned.

What if people just opened up and shared their truth, allowing themselves to be vulnerable, without the bravado and arrogance, buffoonery, pretense, dramatics, and Billy bad butt tendencies? Imagine the healing that could envelope them and spread outward to others.

Just a thought.

~ Natasha

Copyright 2022. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

I decided to add some flavor to this post by using my Bitmoji’s to visually express what I’m thinking and feeling. I don’t know if you or someone else will relate to my message. I don’t know if it will help you, but I hope it helps someone while it works on helping me. Are you ready to begin? Then let’s do this!

Starting today I’m focused and committed to …

I can’t count on anyone else to take care of me in all the ways that I need, or even in all of the ways that I care for others. And that’s okay.

My self-care is vital to my survival, mission, and calling. I can’t take care of anyone else if I’m neglecting myself. If I die today everyone and everything will be left as they are. So I can’t walk around feeling guilty for lovingly saying…

Or “No” or “Not today” or “Not this year” or “Thank you but no thank you”.

Because if I weren’t alive those same people couldn’t ask me. Right?!? I mean some folks would probably DM or text me not knowing I had passed away, because they only hit me up when they need an endorsement, donation, or help in some other way. You know exactly what I’m talking about, you have some of those folks in your life too. Funny thing, it might be you!

I have to keep reminding myself what my therapist told me years ago— I have to “set healthy boundaries with everyone and stop erasing those boundary lines to accommodate people and then get upset when they cross the line,” and remember that “A giver always attracts takers”. So I have to be okay with respectfully telling someone…

Whenever I feel pressure mounting and begin realizing that I’m being clobbered spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I’ve learned that I’m leaning too much on the natural and not enough on God, so it’s imperative that I get realigned. I’m at that point.

I’m not writing this message because it’s a new year. Not for some daggum resolution. But because I’m only given one life in this one body. I only have 24 hours in a day and can only safely take in 17 of those hours, because at least seven of those 24 hours I’m supposed to be resting and recharging. Little by little, day by day, I’ve been growing into this realization that enough’s enough. Like, when people say “are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?” And you sit there nodding your head up and down in the affirmative, wondering “how did they know?

I saw a post on Instagram that said that, pandemic aside, if people’s homes brought them peace and tranquillity they would rarely leave. The video had images of the person’s apartment, all plush and inviting. It went on to say that you see folks rushing to go to bars and this place and that place, basically anywhere, because they can’t stand the clutter and chaos of their home, or maybe it’s lacking the positive energy that they desperately crave.

Many of us have laughed at jokes and stories about people who get off of work and find every excuse to not drive straight home, sitting as long as possible in shopping center parking lots, slow-creeping, like a snail, taking forever to get out of the car and trying to take as long as possible to enter the door of their home?

Yeah, see I don’t want that. I don’t want to slow-creep at any point of my day. A casual stroll in the park or on the beach, yes I will take that. But where I rest my head should bring me peace. Whether I call it my home or just a place where I’m staying, it should be filled with peace. I want to rush there and be enveloped in its warmth and coziness. I want to inhale its healing essence.

But something that also comes to mind is how many people are working like crazy to have the house, cars, bling, and all of the stuff that screams success but then they’re too busy working to appreciate all of it? I mean, you have a pool and tennis court but you rarely use them. That sucks!

So that means that starting today, I’m reclaiming me and all that that means. It means fully embracing my positive femininity and dropkicking the toxic chick down the road. I want to embrace the fullness of my strength that comes from grace and dignity. Reclaiming me means obsessing less on that stupid hustle and grind nonsense for some crap I can’t take with me into the hereafter. I will do what I can with all that I can, and then I’m tapping out until the next designated day. I’m not here to compete to see who can slave away more hours in a 24-hour day. The most successful people have actually mastered getting more done in less time. It’s the rest of us who are clamoring to take part in the circus. I take no pleasure in killing myself and advertising it online or trying to rationalize it to my Creator.

Reclaiming me also means more focus on my dreams and taking in the daily gifts of this world. Time for nature, travel, exercise, game-play, pampering, and eating healthier— because let me keep it real with y’all, my vegetarian lifestyle has oh so been hijacked with processed junk over the past several months.

Let’s be clear, I’m not reclaiming with ultimatums or brute force. I’m not about to act a fool with you or anyone else over my peace of mind. I’m also not about to waste my time with long and drawn out pity parties. I will follow the rules I learned from a Mary Kay director in 2003. She said something to the effect of, “Set a timer for however minutes you need. Have your pity party and when that timer goes off, your party comes to an end”. I used to practice this all of the time and it worked. It gave me the moments I needed to fuss and cry, stomp around, shout, sob like crazy…

And then I would exhale, clean up my face, look around and see the world hasn’t ended, and then with gratitude in my heart, I would proceed with my day. Those moments were cleansing. They helped me flush out the energy that was trapped inside, rather than walk around all bottled up. Try it yourself and tell me what you think.

By the way, you know that the inflammation that is killing so many of us is trapped unprocessed toxic energy, right?

Another benefit to the timed pity parties is that it took less time and was safer than the long drives I would take on Pacific Coast Highway looking at the ocean and having a meltdown behind the wheel. I used to drive for hours. I mean don’t get me wrong you can have an amazing purge of energy at the beach. But ummm you need to park the car, not scream and cry while trying not to swerve into lanes of traffic.

I’ve known some things for years that I have struggled with and gotten counseling for, and read countless books on, but haven’t fully overcome. And that is, that I’ve given and sacrificed, lifted, protected, supported, nurtured, encouraged, sponsored, loved on, prayed for, poured into, and enabled a whole lotta folks—all while neglecting myself. This is something that we find countless women suffering through, oftentimes in silence.

I’ve been everything for everyone else, except myself. I’ve showed up for everyone else, except myself. I’ve been the biggest cheerleader for everyone else, except myself. I’ve invested in others but not enough in myself. I’ve promoted the heck out of other people’s businesses but not my own. I know some of you are guilty of doing the same thing. Don’t walk around carrying the shame. Recognize the err of your ways and then counter-correct.

I’ve watched myself disappear at times. I’ve watched myself shrivel and gasped in horror as parts of me began to die. The good parts. There have been times when I stopped recognizing lil’ ‘ole me…All the while I carried someone else, furthered someone else’s mission and vision, and helped someone else live out their dreams. Does this sound like someone you know?

That’s why I started picking up hobbies like hiking, crocheting, genealogy, puzzles, card games, learning new languages, and other interesting stuff—to make deposits back into me! What fun things are you focusing time and energy on to redeposit back into yourself?

I’m even reimagining where and how I want my next home. I’m tired of aligning to accommodate other people. I want what my heart and soul want and what I want is peace, joy, and tranquility. So I will make my space as I see fit. God’s providing me with the GPS and I’m excited about the adventure that awaits me.

I’m no martyr. I have no desire to be. I’m just a big-hearted empath that gives without expecting anything in return, and I give until I’m tapped out, drained, and limp. I don’t have healthy boundaries. I struggle with saying “No”. Then I get butt-hurt when someone takes advantage of me, when someone keeps taking because I keep giving. That’s not their fault. I just need to learn how to establish and enforce my rules of engagement, hours of operation, and how to focus on what I’m supposed to (like I shared in Episode 56 of the Don’t Call It Small…Business podcast). Maybe this reminds you of you or someone else that you love.

I love myself too much to be a shell of who God made me to be and called me to be. I’ve turned things and people into substitutes for Him. I’ve given things and people more attention than Him. I’ve ignored Him to rush to someone else. I’ve ignored Him thinking I was obediently following Him. I’ve ignored Him and involved myself in relationships that He had to shut down because I was too loyal and committed to walk away. My health problems over the years are from my neglect, from ignoring signs, from not taking care of me. How many of you are walking around ignoring the signs that your body is clearly sending you? How many of you are deferring that annual checkup and making excuses for why it can wait?

Whether you understand or not, can handle it or not, today and moving forward, I will be joyfully oblivious to anything that is not on God’s To-Do List for me. I will be unsubscribing from the drama. I will be tuning out the negativity and ignorance.

You can argue with your daggum self. You can have an attitude and give me the silent treatment. You can un-friend me, unsubscribe, block, do whatever. It’s all good. Because none of those things are on my To-Do List.

And there will be days where I’m going to be so focused on what I need to do to be a better person and servant of God, that I’m not going to even notice if aliens are morphing and finally letting us see they’ve been living next door (or under the same roof). I may be too focused to even do a double-take if the dinosaurs start resurrecting. Because guess what? It ain’t on my To-Do List.

I love you all and I hope and pray that you’re loving on yourself too. You can’t truly and fully love others until you learn to truly and fully love yourself.

~Natasha

Copyright 2022. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

Did you know there are psychological reasons for self-sabotage? There is absolute truth in the saying that we are our own worst enemy, and self-sabotage manifests all of the darkest thoughts and energy that are trapped within us. The thoughts that run rampage through our minds, uncontrolled, and not managed, are bound to take over and repeat the worst possible messaging that we could ever imagine about ourselves, our loved ones, and the world. Self-sabotage manifests through procrastination, being super self-critical, defaulting to destructive coping mechanisms like drugs and alcohol, and other derailing acts.

All of this leads to imposter syndrome.

Oh the dreaded imposter syndrome that soooo many of us, especially a disproportionate number of women, suffer from and struggle with. I remember when I sat in one of my doctoral residency sessions and a professor that was serving as one of the facilitators told us that there would be times when we felt like imposters, that we somehow weren’t qualified, didn’t deserve to be there, didn’t deserve the things we accomplished and earned, that even after we earned our doctorates, we would find ourselves feeling this way. How true indeed he was.

I’ve struggled professionally on and off for years whenever my confidence takes a whooping. When I have slow-paying clients or clients who want to pay me less but expect the highest quality of work, I feel my energy begin to drain. Over the years, I’ve considered shutting down my company more times than I can count. I’ve felt exhausted about the idea of marketing myself and my company to compete with others for projects, clients, and jobs, because with all of that also comes the shrinking feeling that I’m not good enough, I need to gain more experience, if only I had this or that, etcetera etcetera. When our confidence is lacking it becomes much easier to self-sabotage.

There are thousands and thousands of us struggling with imposter syndrome, constantly playing tug-of-war with the voice in our head that says, “No you didn’t and no you’re not” every time you give yourself credit for your successes. How many of you are quick to say that something is “…too good to be true” and you run for the hills to avoid being let down? Rather than see things through you begin to intentionally disrupt the flow, create blocks, drag your feet, and make excuses to not do something.

The idea of finally getting all that you deserve for the hard work and sacrifices you have made, turns into horror because the tape that stays on constant loop in your mind, tells you that you don’t actually deserve it and you haven’t sacrificed enough, and that better you’re looking at isn’t actually better, it’s a facade. So rather than pursue your dream you hide from it. Rather than close that deal you throw a monkey wrench in it and someone else takes the victory. Rather than clinching the gold medal you slow down in the race and settle for bronze. Instead of having the love of your life you settle for the jerk who tells you they’re the best you will ever get.

There was a study conducted in the UK that uncovered that over 80 percent of men and 90 percent of women (who participated) suffer from imposter syndrome but only about 25 percent of those men and women are actually aware of this. In a study conducted by researchers from Harvard Business School and the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, women are much more likely to downplay their achievements in the workplace, and more likely to rate themselves considerably lower than men in how well they think they performed on an aptitude test. There was also a study that revealed that women struggle with accepting praise and compliments for their achievements, abilities, and skills.

The knee-jerk reaction many women default to is either downplaying or ignoring the compliment, or on the other end of the spectrum they reply with comments like, “I know” that make them seem over-the-top or too confident, which is translated in the female brain as “you’re arrogant”. Many men, on the other hand, would see it as a compliment if someone called them “too confident” or over-the-top. Just as we have heard plenty of men correct someone who called them arrogant, and in reply the man said, “No, I’m just really confident”. Of course this isn’t all men. When imposter syndrome kicks into warp speed, self-sabotage jumps in the ring for a tag team, and many men fall prey to the attack.

Intrusive thoughts are the culprit. Our mind is our enemy. Below please find a screenshot that may actually reflect your own thinking about how qualified or professionally adequate you think are.

Source: https://www.thehubevents.com/resources/impostor-syndrome-survey-results

Do you admit to experiencing intrusive thoughts? Do you believe your success is based on your hard work or because of luck? Why do you think you got your job or most recent promotion? Do you worry that one day someone is going to realize you’re under qualified, just an imposter? Do you think that you deserve the praise and compliments you receive at work?

Think about how many of us stay in dead-end jobs and in dead-end relationships because the thoughts in our minds convince us that we don’t deserve better and we’re incapable of achieving greater.

“The source of self-sabotage is part of a common ancestral and evolutionary adaptation that has allowed us to persevere as a species in the first place,” writes Judy Ho in Psychology Today. So what’s hijacking our minds and how is it doing it? Plainly put, just like there’s no difference between good stress (achieving goals or laughing hysterically) and bad stress (experiencing trauma or grief) our minds don’t distinguish between striving for and feeling good accomplishing goals versus running for our lives trying to avoid a perceived threat. These two realms play patty-cake on a seesaw all day every day. However, whenever fear begins to prevail and the flight mechanism kicks in, we start to lean more towards self-sabotage.

Judy Ho said that there are four elements driving this force within us:

  • Lack of belief in our self-identity,
  • Internalized negative beliefs about our own talents, skills, or abilities,
  • A fear of change or a fear of the unknown, and
  • A need for control

Imagine all four elements running wild in your mind at the exact same time. I’ve personally experienced it and there’s no words to describe the trauma that you undergo when all of that negative energy comes flooding in. In order to get a better handle on our thoughts and emotions, and how they manifest, we need to look closely at the four elements and understand where the feelings are coming from.

Source: https://thebestyoumagazine.co/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/stressss-1038×584.jpg

With so many of us working from home, even before the pandemic, imposter syndrome is always a nagging presence in our lives. According to life coach, Rebecca Lockwood, those subconscious thoughts of our inadequacies and state of lack are more likely to culminate and overwhelm us in the isolating environment that our homes create, because we don’t have any counter-active energy from co-workers, managers, employees, to help us break down the negative thoughts. You’re alone and you feel that aloneness, and those bullying thoughts can take over and cause havoc to our minds. That means we have to exercise more positive thoughts and energy into our lives to flex those mental muscles to deviate from our go-to trap door of shame. If that means plastering your work space with positive affirmations, vision boards, and photos that highlight your successes and accomplishments, then do it. We also must ensure that when those thoughts come knocking on our mental door, if we can’t quickly silence them, then we need to get up and remove ourselves from our workspace to clear our mind. It may require a brisk walk around the neighborhood, switching to an activity that requires your mind to do something completely different than the task you were working on, or listening to some uplifting music or messaging. It’s not like working in the office where you can quickly reach out to a colleague and find yourself engrossed by a conversation that distracts you from what your mind wanted you focused on. At home you must be creative with your combat tactics.

how do we attack imposter syndrome to reduce and eliminate self-sabotage?

  1. Have clear expectations of what you need to achieve and be honest with yourself and others if and when you need help. Shake off that need for control.
  2. Identify and take captive your negative thoughts and speech: Catch yourself before your mind and mouth run away from you. Remember, it all starts on the inside and spews outward. There is power in our words. And yes my friends, thoughts are things. Catch it, address it, and speak truth to the lies you’re telling yourself.
  3. Steer clear of the comparison trap: Stop stop stop comparing yourself to other people; heck, stop comparing yourself to your old you, your old accomplishments, and how great you used to be at something a long time ago. Focus on your strengths and if someone else is stronger where you are weak, then leverage their strengths for your team’s success. Don’t sabotage a potentially great thing.
  4. Flip “Can’t” into “Why Not”: empower yourself by asking yourself “Why not” every time a negative thought tries to hack your mind and tell you that you can’t do something. You can find more powerful words and strategies to counter the nonsense flowing your way.
  5. Determine how you want to receive feedback: if you’re sensitive to critiques and find them more like criticism, or you find any comment that doesn’t feel complimentary as being a harsh critique, try to establish ground rules. This is especially necessary when feedback comes in writing. Emails and text messages have caused countless explosive arguments. As soon as you can speak voice-to-voice, do so and lead with a desire for clarity rather than assume the worse, and go on attack.
  6. Have goals and a vision for where you want to go and what you want to accomplish: by having goals or a roadmap you can reassure yourself whenever your mind wants to lead you astray. By seeing that finish line, that goal date, we can pump ourselves up and get our minds focused on the chartered course ahead.

Hopefully this information can help you prepare your strategy for kicking self-sabotage in the butt in 2022. When you finally bury it let me know!

~Natasha

Copyright 2021. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.