Tag: mental health

By on

Did you know there are psychological reasons for self-sabotage? There is absolute truth in the saying that we are our own worst enemy, and self-sabotage manifests all of the darkest thoughts and energy that are trapped within us. The thoughts that run rampage through our minds, uncontrolled, and not managed, are bound to take over and repeat the worst possible messaging that we could ever imagine about ourselves, our loved ones, and the world. Self-sabotage manifests through procrastination, being super self-critical, defaulting to destructive coping mechanisms like drugs and alcohol, and other derailing acts.

All of this leads to imposter syndrome.

Oh the dreaded imposter syndrome that soooo many of us, especially a disproportionate number of women, suffer from and struggle with. I remember when I sat in one of my doctoral residency sessions and a professor that was serving as one of the facilitators told us that there would be times when we felt like imposters, that we somehow weren’t qualified, didn’t deserve to be there, didn’t deserve the things we accomplished and earned, that even after we earned our doctorates, we would find ourselves feeling this way. How true indeed he was.

I’ve struggled professionally on and off for years whenever my confidence takes a whooping. When I have slow-paying clients or clients who want to pay me less but expect the highest quality of work, I feel my energy begin to drain. Over the years, I’ve considered shutting down my company more times than I can count. I’ve felt exhausted about the idea of marketing myself and my company to compete with others for projects, clients, and jobs, because with all of that also comes the shrinking feeling that I’m not good enough, I need to gain more experience, if only I had this or that, etcetera etcetera. When our confidence is lacking it becomes much easier to self-sabotage.

There are thousands and thousands of us struggling with imposter syndrome, constantly playing tug-of-war with the voice in our head that says, “No you didn’t and no you’re not” every time you give yourself credit for your successes. How many of you are quick to say that something is “…too good to be true” and you run for the hills to avoid being let down? Rather than see things through you begin to intentionally disrupt the flow, create blocks, drag your feet, and make excuses to not do something.

The idea of finally getting all that you deserve for the hard work and sacrifices you have made, turns into horror because the tape that stays on constant loop in your mind, tells you that you don’t actually deserve it and you haven’t sacrificed enough, and that better you’re looking at isn’t actually better, it’s a facade. So rather than pursue your dream you hide from it. Rather than close that deal you throw a monkey wrench in it and someone else takes the victory. Rather than clinching the gold medal you slow down in the race and settle for bronze. Instead of having the love of your life you settle for the jerk who tells you they’re the best you will ever get.

There was a study conducted in the UK that uncovered that over 80 percent of men and 90 percent of women (who participated) suffer from imposter syndrome but only about 25 percent of those men and women are actually aware of this. In a study conducted by researchers from Harvard Business School and the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, women are much more likely to downplay their achievements in the workplace, and more likely to rate themselves considerably lower than men in how well they think they performed on an aptitude test. There was also a study that revealed that women struggle with accepting praise and compliments for their achievements, abilities, and skills.

The knee-jerk reaction many women default to is either downplaying or ignoring the compliment, or on the other end of the spectrum they reply with comments like, “I know” that make them seem over-the-top or too confident, which is translated in the female brain as “you’re arrogant”. Many men, on the other hand, would see it as a compliment if someone called them “too confident” or over-the-top. Just as we have heard plenty of men correct someone who called them arrogant, and in reply the man said, “No, I’m just really confident”. Of course this isn’t all men. When imposter syndrome kicks into warp speed, self-sabotage jumps in the ring for a tag team, and many men fall prey to the attack.

Intrusive thoughts are the culprit. Our mind is our enemy. Below please find a screenshot that may actually reflect your own thinking about how qualified or professionally adequate you think are.

Source: https://www.thehubevents.com/resources/impostor-syndrome-survey-results

Do you admit to experiencing intrusive thoughts? Do you believe your success is based on your hard work or because of luck? Why do you think you got your job or most recent promotion? Do you worry that one day someone is going to realize you’re under qualified, just an imposter? Do you think that you deserve the praise and compliments you receive at work?

Think about how many of us stay in dead-end jobs and in dead-end relationships because the thoughts in our minds convince us that we don’t deserve better and we’re incapable of achieving greater.

“The source of self-sabotage is part of a common ancestral and evolutionary adaptation that has allowed us to persevere as a species in the first place,” writes Judy Ho in Psychology Today. So what’s hijacking our minds and how is it doing it? Plainly put, just like there’s no difference between good stress (achieving goals or laughing hysterically) and bad stress (experiencing trauma or grief) our minds don’t distinguish between striving for and feeling good accomplishing goals versus running for our lives trying to avoid a perceived threat. These two realms play patty-cake on a seesaw all day every day. However, whenever fear begins to prevail and the flight mechanism kicks in, we start to lean more towards self-sabotage.

Judy Ho said that there are four elements driving this force within us:

  • Lack of belief in our self-identity,
  • Internalized negative beliefs about our own talents, skills, or abilities,
  • A fear of change or a fear of the unknown, and
  • A need for control

Imagine all four elements running wild in your mind at the exact same time. I’ve personally experienced it and there’s no words to describe the trauma that you undergo when all of that negative energy comes flooding in. In order to get a better handle on our thoughts and emotions, and how they manifest, we need to look closely at the four elements and understand where the feelings are coming from.

Source: https://thebestyoumagazine.co/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/stressss-1038×584.jpg

With so many of us working from home, even before the pandemic, imposter syndrome is always a nagging presence in our lives. According to life coach, Rebecca Lockwood, those subconscious thoughts of our inadequacies and state of lack are more likely to culminate and overwhelm us in the isolating environment that our homes create, because we don’t have any counter-active energy from co-workers, managers, employees, to help us break down the negative thoughts. You’re alone and you feel that aloneness, and those bullying thoughts can take over and cause havoc to our minds. That means we have to exercise more positive thoughts and energy into our lives to flex those mental muscles to deviate from our go-to trap door of shame. If that means plastering your work space with positive affirmations, vision boards, and photos that highlight your successes and accomplishments, then do it. We also must ensure that when those thoughts come knocking on our mental door, if we can’t quickly silence them, then we need to get up and remove ourselves from our workspace to clear our mind. It may require a brisk walk around the neighborhood, switching to an activity that requires your mind to do something completely different than the task you were working on, or listening to some uplifting music or messaging. It’s not like working in the office where you can quickly reach out to a colleague and find yourself engrossed by a conversation that distracts you from what your mind wanted you focused on. At home you must be creative with your combat tactics.

how do we attack imposter syndrome to reduce and eliminate self-sabotage?

  1. Have clear expectations of what you need to achieve and be honest with yourself and others if and when you need help. Shake off that need for control.
  2. Identify and take captive your negative thoughts and speech: Catch yourself before your mind and mouth run away from you. Remember, it all starts on the inside and spews outward. There is power in our words. And yes my friends, thoughts are things. Catch it, address it, and speak truth to the lies you’re telling yourself.
  3. Steer clear of the comparison trap: Stop stop stop comparing yourself to other people; heck, stop comparing yourself to your old you, your old accomplishments, and how great you used to be at something a long time ago. Focus on your strengths and if someone else is stronger where you are weak, then leverage their strengths for your team’s success. Don’t sabotage a potentially great thing.
  4. Flip “Can’t” into “Why Not”: empower yourself by asking yourself “Why not” every time a negative thought tries to hack your mind and tell you that you can’t do something. You can find more powerful words and strategies to counter the nonsense flowing your way.
  5. Determine how you want to receive feedback: if you’re sensitive to critiques and find them more like criticism, or you find any comment that doesn’t feel complimentary as being a harsh critique, try to establish ground rules. This is especially necessary when feedback comes in writing. Emails and text messages have caused countless explosive arguments. As soon as you can speak voice-to-voice, do so and lead with a desire for clarity rather than assume the worse, and go on attack.
  6. Have goals and a vision for where you want to go and what you want to accomplish: by having goals or a roadmap you can reassure yourself whenever your mind wants to lead you astray. By seeing that finish line, that goal date, we can pump ourselves up and get our minds focused on the chartered course ahead.

Hopefully this information can help you prepare your strategy for kicking self-sabotage in the butt in 2022. When you finally bury it let me know!

~Natasha

Copyright 2021. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

By on

I chat with my former sister-in-law, Arleen, almost daily. Just because we’re no longer connected by marriage doesn’t mean she and I aren’t connected. Earlier this morning she texted me several messages, one included this bold reminder:

This message made me pause and then laugh at the memories of my past when I actually contemplated the half fullness or emptiness of a glass, thinking it had to be one or the other. It’s not. It’s an “and”. Matter of fact, it’s two “and’s”.

The glass is half empty and half full, and it’s refillable—which is an even bigger a-ha! We can always add to it.

This is life.

Half-fullers

For those of you who have a tendency of always seeing the glass as half-full, this message is for you. Stop seeing lack in everything you encounter.

Conditionally Half-full

Some of you reading this may be optimistic in one part of your life but always skeptical and cynical in another part. You may be thriving in your career and tanking in your love life, or vice versa. It’s because you’re failing to see that relationships are relationships, some are just more intimate than others. You truly limit yourself when you approach life thinking that there’s two worlds you’re straddling. There’s one world, you’re just engaging in each relationship in different ways. It’s about the “and’s”.

Don’t limit yourself. When you do you risk not embracing the “and’s”. They do you no good trapped inside of your mind. How many “and’s” are waiting to pour out of you?

It’s Refillable

We have to stop pushing thoughts and emotions down. Stop running and hiding from them. Explore them. Even the uncomfortable and destructive ones. Dissect them and then deal with them one at a time. Determine what works, what doesn’t, what’s for you and what’s not, and then move forward.

Our dreams die because we keep forgetting that the glass is refillable.

Our relationships die because we keep forgetting that the glass is refillable.

We have to keep pouring into those people and things that matter to us. And being mindful and intentional about what we’re pouring in, when, and why. If you pour in junk that’s what you will get. If you ration what you pour in, you will only get driplets in return. If you’re only pouring in when it serves your immediate needs, then you will only receive a short-term gain. If you’re only pouring in for selfish reasons, then you will find yourself always feeling empty-handed.

And while you’re pouring in you need to responsibly pour out.

We’re social creatures, built to give and receive. If you’re hellbent on receiving but not giving, the cup will be filled and that’s it; it’s full but, over time, you will begin to envy and covet other people’s refilled glasses. You may even knock over your glass reaching towards theirs. You will see all of the changes in their life, and you will want what they have not realizing how and why their glass keeps refilling with such variety and splendor.

The reasons they have what you don’t is simple: They aren’t placing limits on themselves, and they put in the work each day that you’re unwilling to do. They pour into others as they’re cup is being refilled. They do whatever it takes to keep that cup flowing. They operate from a mindset of abundance. They see waterfalls while you see dams. They release while you hoard.

Ooh Look at Their Grass

It’s like the “grass is greener on the other side” analogy that people ponder. I’ve written about it before but let’s look at it in yet another way.

Not Green Enough

If your “grass” is green but not as green as the other “yard”, you may think your grass isn’t green enough. Do you call that yard owner or a lawn care service and ask why their grass seems so much greener? Do you ask how to get your grass as green? Do you check to see what they are doing differently? Or do you check to see if maybe you have a different type of grass that needs to be cared for a different way?

Or do you just stew in your envy and grow to hate your yard? Or do you go a step farther and plot and plan to leave your yard so you can go to the other one?

Maybe their grass is greener because they put in the work each day that you refuse to do, don’t know how to do, or just don’t do as well. Maybe.

It can also be the type of grass. Some types need more or less water, cut more or less frequently, etc. Maybe they invested more in better quality grass, while you chose the cheaper route.

If you never ask the questions about the grass and the caretaker you never get the truth, well not initially. Some folks are so busy trying to fence hop, yard swap, that they don’t know the details.

Some people have gorgeous yards because they pay someone else to care for them, or someone else (like a spouse) is pulling all of the weight and caring for that yard. The person you give credit to for the yard merely found someone with the skills to do it for them. But how many people jump at the chance to get their hands on the person they think makes that grass magical, just to find out their choice was wrong?

We see this a lot in relationships where a person pursues a man/woman who is already in a relationship and they assume that the “greenness” they see is solely the result of that one person they are pursuing. They fail to realize that the partner is doing their share. The person they’re pursuing may not be the caretaker of that lawn.

It’s Fake

Some of you are busy bashing your yard not knowing that other super green lawns are actually artificial turf. You’re trying to swap real for fake. Even if you get it, after some time you may find yourself yearning for the real thing. What are you going to do then, pine for your old yard, tear up your fake one and try to lay down real grass? Or will you jump the fence and go invade yet another yard?

It happens a lot when people fence hop and leave behind their yard for another. After awhile, they start looking at that hard work each day (of labor and/or expense) and begin to yearn for their old yard. What is both sad and comical is when people look back at their old yards and realize that “It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I just didn’t want to put in the work”. They now have a new perspective and they don’t like the decisions they made. That’s what happens when we operate from a mindset of lack.

Brown “Grass”

If your grass is brown it’s because you didn’t care for it properly. It’s that simple. It doesn’t matter if you pack up and go to that other lawn because guess what? You’re still you and you’re still bringing your limited thinking over to that green lawn—which means that unless you put in the work to keep that grass green, you will either end up with brown grass or you’re gonna get kicked out of that yard. Whoever took care of that green grass, that you coveted, isn’t going to let you neglect or abuse it.

Fix Your Mindset

Life is not passive it’s active. You have to engage and take part in it. You have to work to block out what’s toxic and unhealthy, and let in all that is healthy and appropriate for you. It requires discernment, clarity, patience, and discipline. Not all that is healthy is for you. You have to find, see, and embrace what’s right for you. You’re a special puzzle and only the right pieces fit. Some of us just keep jamming the wrong pieces in, trying to make them fit. You’re distorting things for selfish gains, which only leads to loss.

Your mental state of lack will always keep you in a deficit. That’s why the grass-is-greener fiasco keeps you in a state of lack.

We want a microwave solution to an oven-baked situation. That’s a problem we face each day and we don’t realize that the solution is to get out of our own way. Our unhealthy selfishness causes us more grief than gain. We also remain in a state of lack when we make everything about us. When we compare what we don’t have with what someone does have, and we think that we deserve what they have because in our minds we put in equal or greater efforts—yet got different results—and we don’t see the flaws in that distorted logic.

When we are the only priority in every circumstance, we’ve unknowingly declared that the glass isn’t refillable. We’ve actually cut holes into it and we’re watching everything drain out. Ironically, we will blame someone or something else for the holes. Because now we must play the role of victim. It’s all about us, until we have to take responsibility for our actions.

To truly live we have to stop this rollercoaster of madness that we’ve created. We can’t handle it, yet, we expect others to jump on and enjoy the ride. We want people to accept and love us, when we don’t accept and love ourselves. We keep wanting it to be all about us yet we expect others to fulfill a role for us that they were never created for. We covet when we should be grateful and content.

Just like our bodies need water we need a healthy source to tap into so that our thirsts are quenched, and we can function as we’re designed. The three-part question now to ponder is:

Who and/or what is your source? Do you go within or elsewhere to access it? How will you stay out of the way so it can do what needs to be done?

~Natasha

Copyright 2020. Natasha L. Foreman.

By on

This week I’ve been tuning in to my social media networks, and having an ongoing conversation about the need for focusing 100 percent on our health and wellbeing. We’re only born with one brain, one heart, one stomach, and one body. Yet we abuse the heck out of them. Let’s not even go there with the other organs that we neglect and mistreat.

Shouldn’t we take care of them? We usually think about them when we’re in excruciating pain or facing hospitalization. We think about mental health when we see someone else suffering with issues.

How can we achieve goals, visit far places, and spend quality time with loved ones—if we aren’t here to enjoy all of it?

Stress is nothing to play with.

Let me correct that. Bad stress is nothing to play with. Good stress, like winning the lottery, competing in a game (or sport), or having sex—those are pretty cool experiences. Bad stress, that comes from trauma in our life, like: injury, illness, death, high consumer debt, crappy credit score, joblessness and homelessness (or the risk of either, or both), or anything else that causes our life to be so disrupted, that we can’t help but to think that it’s a sick, twisted joke—or somehow our punishment for being a fool in the past.

So, that means, a recovering workaholic like me—has to be mindful that although I have HUGE goals that I want to achieve, I need to be alive to successfully claim them. That means, being more productive with less hours in the day. I was experiencing too many bouts of burnout—and close-calls to the hospital—trying to maintain a 90+ hour work week. Last year, I actually thought that I was about to collapse and die. I was under so much stress, trying to deal with personal issues, my desires for my career, and not having the billions of dollars that I need to serve all of the people that I want to help. Okay, the last part wasn’t a stressor for me. I just wanted to lighten the mood. Did you visualize the billions of dollars? Good. So did I! But seriously, there were a few times last year that I was scared that I wouldn’t make it long enough to one day see my great-grandchildren. I didn’t think I would live to see 2019. I felt worn out!

Honestly, there have been some moments, this year, that I’ve had to tell myself to slow down, regroup, and get the heck out of my head. My mind doesn’t ever slow down. It never stops chiming in. My confidence began to wane—drastically. I felt depression trying to rear up and take over. It took everything in me to double-dutch myself out of the trap that was coming.

Children double-dutching in Chicago (1973)
Source: John H. White, 1945-, Photographer (NARA record: 4002141) – U.S. National Archives and Records Administration

I’ve recommitted to working out at least 6 days a week. I’m learning to say “no” to more people and to more things that will require more energy than I have to spare. I’m speaking up and sharing my reality, my pain, my fears—with some of my family members and friends. Not everyone can handle the load that you carry, so you have to be mindful of what you share and with whom. I learned that the hard way.

Something else that I’m working on, is accepting that I can’t rely on anyone or anything—other than God. For me, He is my absolute. There’s no doubt. There’s no question. He’s kept every promise made to me. I can’t say that about His creations. Go ahead, laugh. You know that was funny, and the truth. The only guarantees I have is with and in Him. No one and nothing else. So that is what I’m choosing to roll with. That way I can stop being disappointed when the dirty diaper hits the fan, and splashes all over me. I mean, isn’t that how it feels when life blindsides you? That’s how it feels for me. It’s a gross but effective visual.

Check Me Out. Chime In.

Check out my Instagram videos that I posted this week. Chime in. Let me know how you re-balance, decompress, readjust, and realign. How do you make the most of work days, when you’re bound to set schedules and small windows of time? How do you change your environment to clear your mind? How do you refocus, so that you’re not overwhelmed with the periphery, or with the stuff that you know you can’t handle or solve right this very moment (or no time soon)?

View this post on Instagram

I encourage you to take several breaks within your day, to clear your mind. What we think about, we can internalize, and harm our mind and body. The body is always thinking about protecting itself, and it will shut down, to do just that. Feed it, nurture it, protect it—so that it doesn't feel threatened, and end up jacking you and your whole world up! If you suffer from high levels of stress, anxiety, depression, trauma—you will be surprised how beneficial these mini breaks can truly be. I had an anxiety attack the other day. Getting outside and feeling that breeze on my face, helped to calm and recenter me. Disconnect, detach, disengage, decompress. Then you can reconnect, reattach, re-engage, realign—the RIGHT WAY…the HEALTHY WAY! Sending this to you with love 💗 ~Natasha

A post shared by Natasha (@natashalforeman) on

Copyright 2019. Natasha L. Foreman. All Rights Reserved.

By on 4 Comments

This morning I was moved to read and reflect on this scripture in the Bible:

First pride, then the crash— the bigger the ego, the harder the fall. –Proverbs 16:18 MSG

I then began to write the reflection below followed by a prayer, that you can read in its entirety by visiting my Breaking Bread With Natasha blog. My message for today is lengthy but as it helped me to share it, hopefully it will help someone to read it.

Pride

Pride driven by ego is a dangerous weapon that always leads to self-inflicted torture. This form of pride should not be confused with being “proud of” overcoming obstacles or being proud of your children. That’s not the pride that causes crashes.

Pride, as referenced in the scripture above, is the manifestation of being so self-absorbed that you refuse to ask for help, admit that you’re wrong, admit that you can’t do something, etc. You could be struggling financially, spiritually, mentally, or physically yet you refuse to reach out for assistance so that you can struggle less or not at all.

This level of pride would allow you to leave a job or a relationship simply because you couldn’t see yourself letting go of the little control that you thought you had because you refused to be vulnerable, open and exposed with someone else. Not wanting it to appear that someone outdid or outsmarted you, you would rather uproot, disrupt, destroy, and walk away than to give in to the process that could bring peace, harmony, and restoration.

Ego says that you don’t need to pray to God before speaking, because “you’ve got this“. Ego convinces you to never surrender in an argument, to fight relentlessly to the end regardless of the collateral damage, and regardless of the fact that you could be and probably are 100 percent wrong. Pride says, “oh well if I am, you won’t get me to admit it”.

Strong people have a difficult time letting go and asking for help, and admitting that they simply don’t know or that they are weak in certain areas. Highly intelligent people oftentimes can’t fathom not knowing the answer to a question, having a solution to a problem—so pride will step up and declare all sorts of misinformation, distortions, and even blatant lies to mask the truth. Pride will sacrifice everything for self-image.

The ego doesn’t want to lose so pride steps in and cheats to win. To the ego the consequences of actions are meaningless or can easily be counteracted. The reality is there are always equal or greater consequences to the actions that we take, even if not immediate, they still come with a heavy penalty.

My Admission of Guilt

I’m guilty of letting my pride get the best of me. My ego can be whopper size and my stubbornness to defend my position at all costs can and has left me severely injured and a lot of collateral damage along the wayside.

My pride has caused me spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial harm. My pride has caused damage to personal and professional relationships. Things said and done oftentimes can’t be reworded or undone. It’s usually set in and embedded so deep that your only options are to flee (pride) or work to make things right (humility). You have to be willing to surrender, admit that you’re wrong, and pursue the steps required to make right your wrong. The ego hates that. It digs deep into your gut causing you a pain that makes you feel like dry heaving (also known as “retching”).

In the late 1990s to early 2000s, my pride cost me my career, car, home, furnishings, and lifestyle. I hit rock bottom and had to humble myself to slowly get my face up off of the ground. It was a devastating blow. I was reminded that my priorities were off and that I was listening to ego when I was supposed to be listening to God. My pride was quick to blame others, but God quickly silenced me with the bold reminder that the decisions I made were done so consciously, so credit and fault rested with me. You can argue with God but He has time on His side, so choose wisely.

Pride stepped in and caused me much grief after my March 2017 divorce. Ego told me that I could deal with the trauma on my own, alone, and isolated. Ego told me that I could heal, recover, and rebound faster and better if I did it by myself, without help from anyone. The problem with that scenario is that you tend to also block out God’s voice and avoid seeing the blessings in the form of opportunities and redirection.

God speaks through people, but if you’re isolated how can you interact with them to hear His message? And sadly, because I’ve always projected myself to be “strong” and a “super woman”, others see me this way, so when I did reach out for help, friends and associates dismissed the level and severity of my pain and circumstances because in their mind, “Natasha’s strong, she’s got this,” but what in my past has ever truly prepared me for divorce?

In my past I’ve experienced gut-wrenching heart break, I’ve experienced extreme loss and numerous human deaths (all of which were untimely). But nothing has ever prepared me for the devastating blow that comes from divorcing the person that you planned to spend the rest of your life with. You’re not given a handbook or put through a training program before or during marriage that prepares you for divorce.

Church, family and society preaches “for better or for worse, til death do you part…” and with that your mind isn’t focused on the death of your marriage, your union, your relationship—but that’s what divorce looks and feels like for so many of us—death—and you have to go through ALL of the stages of grief to fully heal. My ego was even fighting that process. My ego had me to wear the mask of “I’m perfectly fine with this situation, it is what it is…” knowing that it was a bold and blatant lie. I wasn’t even an inkling of “fine” or a shade of “okay”.

I was in denial and the pain and frustration reared up and clobbered me in November 2017 and dragged me like a ragdoll through January and February 2018, and plopped me on a stump in March 2018 with my truths staring me squarely in my face. I finally got my head turned around and senses together so that I could sit up and assess my situation. That happened in April 2018. I had a tumultous 2017 and 2018 had some very painful stumbles, but it didn’t have to be so extreme, had I listened to and obeyed God instead of my ego.

For two years my company, Foreman & Associates, LLC suffered because I wouldn’t get the help that I needed personally so that I could focus on the work that needed to be done professionally. Because I didn’t protect and take care of myself, my business was punished. That collateral damage is real!

I’ve come to realize that it’s not one single thing or even a handful of things or circumstances that prepare you for life’s clobbering sessions. It’s the culmination of all of the times that you were beat down in the “boxing ring” of life, and you got back up. It’s all of the times that life beat you and you found yourself pinned against the “ropes”, trying desperately to fend off the hits and not get knocked out—yet you never looked to your corner begging with your eyes for your trainer to throw in the towel of defeat.

When I look at all of my failings, disappointments, heartbreaks, losses, and blowups, I can see how I would pick myself up and go through the necessary steps to rebuild. I can also see the times when I thought that a shortcut to healing and recovery would work better, and jeesh was I painfully wrong. I can reflect on the pain that I felt and still feel from loved ones passing away and knowing that I won’t see and hear them here and now as I did before. Selfishly I want them here.

All of those experiences have tested, strengthened, challenged, and refined me. All of those experiences made me wiser and more humble. And yes, all of those experiences combined have prepared me for the death called divorce and the rebirth that I’m experiencing post-divorce.

It’s the shedding of one layer for the growth of a newer and better layer. It’s going from the caterpillar stage to emerge as the amazing and graceful butterfly. It’s being less of who you were to be more of who you’re supposed to be. It’s opening yourself up to the possibility of loving and being loved by someone new and unfamiliar in a way that is pleasantly new and unfamiliar.

Divorce is not the end. Losing your job, car, and house is not the end. Those things and experiences are only pages or chapters in your life. They are not your everything. What will you do, see, and experience on the next page or in the next chapter?

Through God I am confident. Through God I love and am loved. Through God I forgive myself and forgive others. Through God I can let go and gain more than I ever imagined. Through God I have peace, joy, happiness, and comfort.

The opposite of all of that comes from choosing ego instead.

This Week…

I’ve been under a lot of stress over the past two months—tied to work and house-hunting. This week my anxiety flared up and reached a level that scared me. I had to meditate on being present and not focusing on the what-ifs of the future or the past. The unknowns of the future are irrelevant when you’re focused on the present, and you can’t change the past so obsessing over it is deflating and counterproductive.

That’s ego getting in the way. I have to learn to stiff-arm ego like a football or rugby player and slam it to the ground.

Today I’ve been presented with a test, an opportunity, to do exactly that—put my ego and pride to the side and instead focus on God’s plan for my success. Will it be uncomfortable at times? Yes, that’s why it’s called “growing pains”. Would I prefer the temporary discomfort over the long-term agony that comes from being ego-driven instead of God-led? I will take those growing pains so that I can be, see, and do what God has called me to be, see, and do.

Will I slip up and let pride step in from time to time? Yep, I’m sure that I will. It’s my go-to default switch when I’m being stupid.

What I pray for is God’s love to see me through, the discernment to know His voice above all others, and the courage to stand and quickly realign on His path.

Change Starts With You

We can counter our pride with humility. We can start by saying:

“…I don’t know”

“...I have no clue what the answer is”

“I don’t know but I can try to search online for the answer or ask someone who may know…”

“…I need help with _____”

“…That’s not my strength. I’m better at doing ____ but maybe I/we can find help through ____”

“…I’m sorry. I was wrong. I won’t do it again. How can I make things right?” (And then you work to make things right)

“…I’m sorry I was being selfish/childish/stupid…”

“…You’re correct, I’m wrong…”

“…I can see your perspective and that it differs from mine, so how can we compromise?”

Do you see how making it less about you (ego) allows you to be whole, healthy, and complete with and through God?

Being flexible and fluid, like water, allows you to bend and consider more than your perspective—it allows you to discover that it’s not all about you, you don’t know as much as you think you do, you can’t do everything you set your mind to, and the world doesn’t revolve around you. And it’s perfectly fine that way. It should actually be liberating to no longer carry that baggage that you have been lugging like deadweight for decades. Let it go!

We have to decide if we want growth or stagnation. Do we want pleasure or pain? Do we want health or sickness? Do we want prosperity or suffering? Do we want to be right or do we want peace?

We are given the freedom of choice. Our decisions have lasting consequences. What will you choose to do today? Don’t concern yourself with tomorrow. What choice will you make today about how you will think, speak, live, treat yourself and others?

Lovingly,

Natasha

Copyright 2019. All Rights Reserved. Natasha L. Foreman.
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from THE MESSAGE, copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
THE MESSAGE, copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc

By on 5 Comments

 

Screen Shot 2018-02-19 at 12.18.42 PM

Eloyce Mitchell is my friend Carman’s mother. She sent me this powerful image on Facebook and I posted it along with the message that you see below. I knew that I couldn’t possibly tag every woman that I know on Facebook (because I’m bound to forget someone), and I know that not all of them will see the message on my page (because I’m one of many “friends” of theirs on Facebook). So I’m also sharing it here because it’s truly that important to me. Strong women take care of everyone and neglect self.
Heart disease and other ailments are beating the mess out of women because we’re too busy being the nurse, nurturer, supporter, provider, problem-solver, shoulder, ear, cheerleader, and super woman for everyone else—and we don’t invest the time in ourselves. We’re under more stress than ever and our bodies are taking a whooping because on top of the environmental factors that attack our bodies, our stress load is leaving it even more vulnerable.
We’re not using our release valves to take the pressure off of our minds and bodies.
We need to.
Our life depends on it.
Stop hiding behind social media. Stop posting your “glamorous life” when you’re feeling like crap or spiraling out of control. I’m not saying to flood your timelines with posts of misery. What I’m saying is that some of us have taken the phony to the extreme. There’s a huge difference between “fake it until you make it” (which is an aspirational goal-setting approach that has been hijacked) and then there’s pretending like everything is perfect when you’re wallowing in misery.
If you’re depressed you need help. If you need help you need to ask.
Social media can get you caught up and then at that point “you’re straight lying boo” and because you’re constantly in fake-mode everyone around you thinks that you’re doing great and thriving, and we ignore the warning signs that could save you. That’s why we’re hearing more and more these days, “I didn’t know she was in trouble/pain, she seemed so happy…” that’s because no one asks strong women if their okay, we use social media to be the predictor of someone’s life, and to add to this it doesn’t help that strong women have grown accustomed to saying “I’m good. I can handle it” because we just don’t know how to ask for help anymore, or we don’t think there’s anyone who can help, or we don’t know where to go to get the help. So we push through.
That’s not healing that’s denial, all of which adds to the pile of junk that turns into illness and dis-ease. We’re not eating right, sleeping enough and sleeping well, exercising enough, getting quality spiritual uplift, surrounded by enough positive images and people, and then there’s the long list of environmental toxins that attack us daily. We need to take better care of ourselves so that we can live fully, intentionally, and with great spiritual, mental, and physical health.
The Wonder Woman cape is bound to get caught on something and choke you. 
To all of the strong women out there here are the 3 THINGS that I want for each of YOU to do:
 
1) Comment below and tell me how you’re doing, and be honest. We’re good at lying about this. We need to heal, renew, and restore ourselves.
 
– If you’re thriving then yell it loud. So I can celebrate with you.
 
– If you need prayer, then tell me, and you don’t need to go into specifics if you don’t want to.
 
* You can speak in general terms, like “prayer for strength” or “prayer for clarity” or “prayer for healing” or “prayer for new positive opportunities” or “prayer for patience”.
 
– If you’re having a bad day or not-so-good one, and you need a good laugh, then tell me. I’m always down to make someone giggle or roar with laugher.
 
– If you need a hug then let’s meet up and share some good vibes. If we live too far apart to meet up, I will send you a virtual one…heck I might even record myself so you can feel it a little more.
 
2) Choose a day THIS WEEK and MAKE THE TIME to spend taking care of YOU.
 
– I don’t care if it’s at the nail salon, a library, spa, at the park, movie theater, a museum, or sitting in the back of your car with pillows and a thermos of tea while reading a book.
 
– During this time you need to DISCONNECT from everyone and everything. That means EVERYONE and EVERYTHING that would have you investing more time in others than yourself. Pour back into YOU. Recharge for YOU.
 
CHARITY starts with YOU, just like you must put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you place one on others. If you’re not well then you can’t possibly take care of others.
 
Your strength doesn’t matter if you’re no longer around to be strong for others. Too many of us are passing away too soon because we wear ourselves out so much that our bodies just give up from fighting us so much.
 
3) Share this with other strong women so that they too can take a moment to breathe, embrace this message and our need for self-care, and then make the time for some self-love.
 
We ALL must do better and live better. If you still can’t seem to do it for yourself then do it for your loved ones. You can’t be around as long as you would like if you’re not taking better care of yourself.
I love you all.
~Natasha
Copyright 2018. Natasha L. Foreman/Natasha Foreman Bryant. All Rights Reserved.